I was just looking at my old poetry.
I thought about cleaning out my DA, but decided against it. Because as I was reading some of the old stuff I had there, it shocked me to see how much my life has declined in the past few years.

I mean... Freshman year was definitely tops, worst year of life. I've never suffered through so much shit than I did then. So many deaths, so much arguing.

Sophomore year I thought it'd be better but then my hips got messed up and between wasting a bunch of money getting MRI after MRI and hospital visits, I got an MRA and got at LEAST ten shots of some water shit injected into my hips [on each side] because the doctor guy thought that MAYBE if there was fluid inside of my joints, they'd be able to tell what was wrong with me. But did they? No.
I just got to go a week without being able to walk instead. D<

Today, I crashed my car slightly, just chipped the paint on the upper right side of my car, a bit noticeable but nothing gigantor. But. now. When school starts; I'm the swimming and water polo captain for my high school, am a senior, and can hardly tread water because of these hip problems.

Things have just dropped... in my life.. DRASTICALLY. And I mean. FIVE PEOPLE? All dead.
Who goes through that shit.

That's affected me for life, and though it's allowed me to pick out some kick ass poetry, in the long run, I'm still mourning things that happened over three years ago. Not healthy.

I've gotten so much closer to my brother and I swear if anything ever happened to him I'd kill myself because life would be pointless with out him. But of course I'm not gutsy enough, nor do I have the balls to tell him such a thing.
I'm not one to take in the lovey dovey moments. I can't hold a stare for a long time.

I'm still deathly afraid of balloons and I feel so childish because of that.
I'm scared to drive too far because I dont' think I'm a good driver anymore and writing is getting less and less helpful for me.
I need something else to take my muse out on, to throw my anger at and make everything okay.

</3
Life sucks sometimes, but I always seem to pull through.
I hope this low only lasts but a short time.
And hopefully, I'll be able to get back on my feet instead of on my hands and knees.